An Open Letter for AA


Dear (AA)nonymous,

It's been exactly eight years and two months and you haven't found this little twisted corner yet. Today, I suddenly had the urge to write here. It's been a while (again) and I know you will never find me. Surprisingly, my very first entry is a significant date for "him", him — that shall not be named. Honestly, a song I stumbled on spotify reminded me of A. Should I write to him? But, he have chosen to cut-off ties with me. So, I'll let him be. He is another story.

We've been speaking again, you and I. After all these years. And I am so thankful that technology, has once again, brought us together. Yet, there are still things that I am holding back. There are still dreams that I would like to bring back. There are still words that I would like to whisper to you. And there are still words that I long to hear from you. But, I'll be a fool if I would ever even attempt. I am a fool for even entertaining this thought.

"He" has been there for me while you were gone. But, reflecting on what we have been though together, I realized that the last time I felt passionately crazy, after you, was with A. It all stopped there. I've never really entertained the idea that "he" will stay for long, with me. 'Coz I knew that I always destroy everything I touch. So, even with him, I was holding back. I always had reservations. I have always doubted. Myself.

And with this self-doubt, I am now emotionless. I am numb. And I am ready to throw everything behind. For anything that would make me feel again. The things lined for me to do, are just piling up. And I have no energy to even start doing them. I'm in the thin line of quitting. Everything. It just made no sense anymore. No reason to continue. No purpose. Maybe I'm at that crossroads of going midlife. Maybe I just got fed up with all the discouragements. I have lost all motivations to make things better.

"He" would probably be the main thing that I will write about here. And I apologize for that. I know you told me to stop saying sorry every time. But I am just sorry. For everything. He have told me several times to quit on things that I have been doing. He told me to quit my job and join him. I did. But look at where we are now. I am unproductive. He told me to quit Uni. I did drop all but one course in the last term when I was with him in this foreign trip. I thought we would settle there but then again, here we are again and I'm back in my shithole. This time around, I took another term at Uni and once again he told me to quit it. I reminded him that I only have one year left. He argues that what would be the purpose of finishing it. It will not lead to anything. I told him that then it would even be worse for me, as nothing would happen to me. All the more will I have no future.

We have started a venture together. But it's not leading to anything. I wanted to improve on knowledge and skills for this venture. So I told him that I need to take up workshops. He doubted those workshops and asked if I can't just search for video tutorials online. I told him to drop our prices as we are not getting any clients, he doesn't feel those prices pay enough. But, how can we even earn if nobody will hire us? It all seems to be my fault as I fail in marketing. I thought we had equal tasks but turns out, he just wants me to watch from behind. I have never felt so incompetent. Since my dark days. And reading what I have written about those years now, hits me. History is indeed a cycle. It comes in different forms but I always end up being voiceless. Being useless. Being trapped. Being alone.

I want so much to run away and fly away from everything now. It's just ridiculous to stay. I dread waking up every morning. It's a whole new cycle of nothingness again. Just a few days ago, I had the urge to look for materials to learn on my own but after buying a few things, I just didn't feel like pursing anymore. I had to keep it from him 'coz I know he will just tell me to quit buying things. But being the good partner that I am, I showed him a couple of things that can be used in this venture but he said that will be the last. He told me to uninstall the store app and quit looking for things to buy. But, how will I learn if I don't start doing? How will I improve if I don't start acting?

I just don't have the energy anymore. God knows I tried. But I just can't go on like this anymore. I just want to tell all these to you. But I know you will feel bad. And I don't want you to. You already have your own demons to face to even start worrying about me. I wish I can tell you right now how much I desperately wanted to disappear.

How can I start over in a place where nobody knows me? Where shall I go?


Kisses,
Anony



photo credit: Auensen

0 Comments

i love to chat and read about your own twisted thoughts. c'mon dont be scared to share them! i won't bite. in fact, if you have a blog or site, i'll surely visit and comment back. ★