Sometimes, I stare blankly into space and see myself hanging on a noose. Or,
climbing on a stool and about to hang myself. Sometimes, I see myself standing
by a cliff, the waves crashing on huge rocks down below. Then, I jump.
Sometimes, I see myself driving so fast that I crash and the car flips.
Sometimes, I see myself grabbing a knife and stabbing myself by the heart. But
these are just split second blurred fleeting images, collaging in my head at
random places and random times.
Truth is, I cannot do such things. I can even barely hold a huge knife, to
save my life. I'm afraid of pain. And I'm afraid of a slow death. I can only
hope that one day, when my time comes, that I will just close my eyes and
never open them. No pain. No struggle. Just a state of sleeping, but only to
never wake up.
I know I am not normal. There are things that I need to confront and deal
with. I need to get help. But I'm helpless. I do not have the courage and
the financial capacity to face this. I cannot ask for support from my family
because they will never understand.
The only person in the world who understands me and accepts me, is living
across the globe and we both cannot do anything about this, because of the
pandemic, and both of our situations. I want to run into his arms right now
and just hug him. Cry it all out and say nothing. And I know he will do the
same. Just there, wrapped in the clutches of space and time, hugging each
other and pouring our hearts out.
But I'm glad that he is able to confront his demons and divert his energies
into drawing and painting. I wish I can have that energy too. I wish I could
focus like him, too. He's been driving me to go back into art as well, but I
just can't. I would love to do it. I already started months ago. I don't know why
and I do not understand why, but I do not have
the energy to do anything anymore. He encourages me to find where my heart is, and
do it. Just stand up and do it. But I don't even know how to find it.
I'm at the crossroads of my midlife. And saying that I am in crisis, is an
understatement. I just feel so numb. And the slightest hint of sadness makes
me cry, at the same time. I feel like I'm a water balloon, fragile and full.
Just a slight bump or a pinch will make me burst. Then, I'll drown in my
own sorrow.
I wish I can just erase the pages of my bitter past. I wish I could go back in
time and re-write, at least, the part where we separated the first time. I
want to bring it all back and change things. Make it all work out then, so I
will not go through another cycle of deceit, overcontrol, belittling, gaslighting and
soul-crushing discouragement with another. Having to face that once in a lifetime was
already too much. He saved me back then, and he is saving me again. But this time, I
need to pick myself up as well. But, my spirit is crippled and the healing
is taking longer than I would have wanted.
I still blame myself for what happened. For being blinded with
overconfidence that he will run after me and fight for me. I waited,
instead of stepping down from my fabricated pedestal to actually see that he
too needed me. He needed me to be there with him, on one of the most
confusing of times for him. But I was selfish, and I failed to see his
struggles.
But I know now, we both have grown and he remained my confidant all these
years. And I want to make this work this time. The problem is, I am now
broken. The once fired up, starry-eyed me, has lost her brilliance. I know
that he can only do so much and that I feel like I might slip away from him, from
myself, from the world. We don't have much time left and when we will finally
be with each other again, in the flesh, it might be too late.
I want to spend more years with him. I want to see our gray hairs grow even
grayer, together. To laugh at his silly, cute and macabre jokes. To lavish at
his home-made boerenkool. To hear his stories of the classic times. To discuss
literature with him. To learn from each other. To listen and discover music
together. To rearrange our bookshelves, mostly his, but I own them now too.
Ha! To tease each other about who is better, John or Paul; Nirvana or Pearl
Jam. To fight over silly things, only to laugh in the end, of our silliness. To
see his smile whenever I open my eyes in the morning, or in the afternoon, if
we stay up too late. To toast a beer or wine glass with him at night, or
become strunk, while we start painting each other, or some silly or kinky
manga, or analyze each other's abstract works. To piece together our jigsaw of failures.
To be there for each other during our breakdowns or success. To just cuddle
next to him, while watching a brilliant or stupid movie. To dance in the snow,
or ride a bike in a debatable cold or hot summer. To kiss in the rain. To
run my fingers through his hair and marvel at his deep blue eyes. To tickle
under the sheets, or just hold hands while watching the sunset together.
I want to stop the void from calling and sending morbid fleeting images in my
head, and replace them with these beautiful moments with him. What do I want
to achieve in the end? Make these all come true and stay with him until the
day I die.
It's been exactly eight years and two months and you haven't found this little twisted corner yet. Today, I suddenly had the urge to write here. It's been a while (again) and I know you will never find me. Surprisingly, my very first entry is a significant date for "him", him — that shall not be named. Honestly, a song I stumbled on spotify reminded me of A. Should I write to him? But, he have chosen to cut-off ties with me. So, I'll let him be. He is another story.
We've been speaking again, you and I. After all these years. And I am so thankful that technology, has once again, brought us together. Yet, there are still things that I am holding back. There are still dreams that I would like to bring back. There are still words that I would like to whisper to you. And there are still words that I long to hear from you. But, I'll be a fool if I would ever even attempt. I am a fool for even entertaining this thought.
"He" has been there for me while you were gone. But, reflecting on what we have been though together, I realized that the last time I felt passionately crazy, after you, was with A. It all stopped there. I've never really entertained the idea that "he" will stay for long, with me. 'Coz I knew that I always destroy everything I touch. So, even with him, I was holding back. I always had reservations. I have always doubted. Myself.
And with this self-doubt, I am now emotionless. I am numb. And I am ready to throw everything behind. For anything that would make me feel again. The things lined for me to do, are just piling up. And I have no energy to even start doing them. I'm in the thin line of quitting. Everything. It just made no sense anymore. No reason to continue. No purpose. Maybe I'm at that crossroads of going midlife. Maybe I just got fed up with all the discouragements. I have lost all motivations to make things better.
"He" would probably be the main thing that I will write about here. And I apologize for that. I know you told me to stop saying sorry every time. But I am just sorry. For everything. He have told me several times to quit on things that I have been doing. He told me to quit my job and join him. I did. But look at where we are now. I am unproductive. He told me to quit Uni. I did drop all but one course in the last term when I was with him in this foreign trip. I thought we would settle there but then again, here we are again and I'm back in my shithole. This time around, I took another term at Uni and once again he told me to quit it. I reminded him that I only have one year left. He argues that what would be the purpose of finishing it. It will not lead to anything. I told him that then it would even be worse for me, as nothing would happen to me. All the more will I have no future.
We have started a venture together. But it's not leading to anything. I wanted to improve on knowledge and skills for this venture. So I told him that I need to take up workshops. He doubted those workshops and asked if I can't just search for video tutorials online. I told him to drop our prices as we are not getting any clients, he doesn't feel those prices pay enough. But, how can we even earn if nobody will hire us? It all seems to be my fault as I fail in marketing. I thought we had equal tasks but turns out, he just wants me to watch from behind. I have never felt so incompetent. Since my dark days. And reading what I have written about those years now, hits me. History is indeed a cycle. It comes in different forms but I always end up being voiceless. Being useless. Being trapped. Being alone.
I want so much to run away and fly away from everything now. It's just ridiculous to stay. I dread waking up every morning. It's a whole new cycle of nothingness again. Just a few days ago, I had the urge to look for materials to learn on my own but after buying a few things, I just didn't feel like pursing anymore. I had to keep it from him 'coz I know he will just tell me to quit buying things. But being the good partner that I am, I showed him a couple of things that can be used in this venture but he said that will be the last. He told me to uninstall the store app and quit looking for things to buy. But, how will I learn if I don't start doing? How will I improve if I don't start acting?
I just don't have the energy anymore. God knows I tried. But I just can't go on like this anymore. I just want to tell all these to you. But I know you will feel bad. And I don't want you to. You already have your own demons to face to even start worrying about me. I wish I can tell you right now how much I desperately wanted to disappear.
How can I start over in a place where nobody knows me? Where shall I go?
Ok, now I’m listening to that playlist that I made for you on Spotify. It’s on random, but suddenly Cat Power’s Half of You played... and this reminded me of my dream... and what that letter says... something I haven’t told you... But I know that it will only complicate things, so I guess I should just keep it to myself. Or, just write it here.
In my dream, you wrote to me and you said that after all these years, you still love me. And even if we may not be together, that one day, you'll show me all the love that you want to give.
I told you about my dream, except for this detail. In my dream, I was so angry at my dad for throwing a notebook where you have written me a letter, and for keeping this from me. I forgot how I found out but all I knew was I found it and he was the one who tried to keep it away from me. So that I wouldn't read what you wrote. I guess in reality, I was still hoping... And holding on... That one day, I will learn... that you still love me.
I guess, my holiday blues has not really left me. I’m still feeling unamused with each passing day. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel “happy” as I expected, when I got the news of my Visa approval. And the routine of going to work just feels like a drag. Each day. I feel like I just wanna lay in bed all day. It’s only January, but I feel so tired already. Not stressed, but just... I dunno... feeling half empty?
sometimes sometimes i need to close you down
shut you off close out the lights on you
sometimes i dont know what to say how to say
with your innocent eyes and smiles
how can you want a love you could live without?
time passes by so quickly and im sleeping my days away
thinking.. waiting..
waiting.. and waiting some more..
waiting for something, for someone, for our sometime
no one knows what the future holds but
there's a big difference from
waiting it all to unfold than going on
to unfold it with your own two hands.
and so it is true.. the passing of time leaves empty lives.
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