Truth is, I cannot do such things. I can even barely hold a huge knife, to
save my life. I'm afraid of pain. And I'm afraid of a slow death. I can only
hope that one day, when my time comes, that I will just close my eyes and
never open them. No pain. No struggle. Just a state of sleeping, but only to
never wake up.
I know I am not normal. There are things that I need to confront and deal
with. I need to get help. But I'm helpless. I do not have the courage and
the financial capacity to face this. I cannot ask for support from my family
because they will never understand.
The only person in the world who understands me and accepts me, is living
across the globe and we both cannot do anything about this, because of the
pandemic, and both of our situations. I want to run into his arms right now
and just hug him. Cry it all out and say nothing. And I know he will do the
same. Just there, wrapped in the clutches of space and time, hugging each
other and pouring our hearts out.
But I'm glad that he is able to confront his demons and divert his energies
into drawing and painting. I wish I can have that energy too. I wish I could
focus like him, too. He's been driving me to go back into art as well, but I
just can't. I would love to do it. I already started months ago. I don't know why
and I do not understand why, but I do not have
the energy to do anything anymore. He encourages me to find where my heart is, and
do it. Just stand up and do it. But I don't even know how to find it.
I'm at the crossroads of my midlife. And saying that I am in crisis, is an
understatement. I just feel so numb. And the slightest hint of sadness makes
me cry, at the same time. I feel like I'm a water balloon, fragile and full.
Just a slight bump or a pinch will make me burst. Then, I'll drown in my
own sorrow.
I wish I can just erase the pages of my bitter past. I wish I could go back in
time and re-write, at least, the part where we separated the first time. I
want to bring it all back and change things. Make it all work out then, so I
will not go through another cycle of deceit, overcontrol, belittling, gaslighting and
soul-crushing discouragement with another. Having to face that once in a lifetime was
already too much. He saved me back then, and he is saving me again. But this time, I
need to pick myself up as well. But, my spirit is crippled and the healing
is taking longer than I would have wanted.
I still blame myself for what happened. For being blinded with
overconfidence that he will run after me and fight for me. I waited,
instead of stepping down from my fabricated pedestal to actually see that he
too needed me. He needed me to be there with him, on one of the most
confusing of times for him. But I was selfish, and I failed to see his
struggles.
But I know now, we both have grown and he remained my confidant all these
years. And I want to make this work this time. The problem is, I am now
broken. The once fired up, starry-eyed me, has lost her brilliance. I know
that he can only do so much and that I feel like I might slip away from him, from
myself, from the world. We don't have much time left and when we will finally
be with each other again, in the flesh, it might be too late.
I want to spend more years with him. I want to see our gray hairs grow even
grayer, together. To laugh at his silly, cute and macabre jokes. To lavish at
his home-made boerenkool. To hear his stories of the classic times. To discuss
literature with him. To learn from each other. To listen and discover music
together. To rearrange our bookshelves, mostly his, but I own them now too.
Ha! To tease each other about who is better, John or Paul; Nirvana or Pearl
Jam. To fight over silly things, only to laugh in the end, of our silliness. To
see his smile whenever I open my eyes in the morning, or in the afternoon, if
we stay up too late. To toast a beer or wine glass with him at night, or
become strunk, while we start painting each other, or some silly or kinky
manga, or analyze each other's abstract works. To piece together our jigsaw of failures.
To be there for each other during our breakdowns or success. To just cuddle
next to him, while watching a brilliant or stupid movie. To dance in the snow,
or ride a bike in a debatable cold or hot summer. To kiss in the rain. To
run my fingers through his hair and marvel at his deep blue eyes. To tickle
under the sheets, or just hold hands while watching the sunset together.
I want to stop the void from calling and sending morbid fleeting images in my
head, and replace them with these beautiful moments with him. What do I want
to achieve in the end? Make these all come true and stay with him until the
day I die.
Photo credit: Martin Turner
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