As I am living the first few pages of a new chapter in my life, I thought of creating another blog. For anonymity.. again. But, a few questions lingered.. isn't this blog anonymous enough? So, one person in the 'walking world' knew about this blog, but does he even remember the url? I don't think so.
I've been writing poetry, thoughts, memories and even an open letter for A for a while now, and I guess it's time. It's time to move on.
A have been quiet lately. He did still respond to my vents, questions and musings, he even asked me to be part of this new band but I think he sensed my reservation. Then that was it. No word for weeks. And I guess, it was for the best. He's probably (hopefully) happy now with his new love. And I, well... I should be as well.
I remember him when he asked me if I was happy, and at that same week, a childhood love asked me an almost similar question. Now, it hits me... Am I truly happy? Is this the life that I want to live? Am I preparing for something that will actually lead to happiness or just something that will make me wallow in conformity? Am I settling for less?
Yesterday, as I was looking for a CD, I found the one that my childhood love (the one I mentioned above) have given. I have never written anything about him here in the blog, so I'm just naming him E.
When I opened the case, that's when I realized that E gave it to me. He wrote a short note, apologizing for being too persistent, adding it was nice to see me again. But however hard I try, I could not remember how he gave that to me and when, despite the date written on it. It was almost a decade ago, and my memory failed me. This time. Strange, how the memories we would have wanted to hold on to forever would easily fade in time, while the things that we want to forget tend to haunt us.
I placed the disk in the player and laid on my bed. To my surprise, after not hearing the songs for almost a decade, listening to them now brought me back to the days when E and I were still kids, laughing, running in the rain, walking hand in hand in the flooded night... then scenes of our brief encounters over the years since, zoomed past my thoughts like a lightning blurred with images and blank conversations.
I played the CD again, and listened to the lyrics. This song simply brought the most tears...
I then got up, and stared into emptiness for a while, talking to myself in my head, then thinking, if I should write my thoughts down. And where? So I searched for the video and if it isn't fate playing her mind games on me, this video includes a scene of a memorable movie that reminded me of the person who brought out the urge for me to create this blog in the first place... My heart sank.
Who am I really crying for? Is it for the all the hurt I inadvertently give to the ones I love? Or is it because I realize now my destructiveness, and that they do not deserve someone like me? I am now with someone, but I fear that I might one day hurt him too...
How would I move on with life? How would I start over, if I don't even know who do I love?
UPDATE (03.21.21): The video I saw five years ago was already deleted. But it included scenes from the movie Marie Antoinette. Here is the song that I mentioned above, "Who Do You Love" by Mojave 3.
Photo Credit: Twan Hoven
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i love to chat and read about your own twisted thoughts. c'mon dont be scared to share them! i won't bite. in fact, if you have a blog or site, i'll surely visit and comment back. ★