The Pebble



"Desire is not what you see but what you imagine."
~ Paulo Coelho, (from his novel Eleven Minutes)


    Today, while I was walking through the streets, on my way home, I thought of the girl who changed my life – who lives in a world and life entirely different from mine.

    As I was walking, I threw a pebble into the water collected by the gutter on the pavement. Small circles appeared where the pebble fell, which grew and grew until they touch the bird that happened to be passing by. Instead of being afraid of that unexpected wave, he decided to play with it.

    This sight made me remember a scene. It was one of those days, while living a regular life, doing my regular work, content with the same thing everyday, something stirred up my droning daily life. I was introduced to a girl who, I didn’t realize would change something in my personality, in my life, permanently.

    To my surprise, it is the girl I’ve been admiring for her accomplishments in life, but we never got the chance to talk. She was a new addition to our company, a quiet girl who when walks across the floor, always sends a sense of coolness with her silent aura. She is not that gorgeous, not popular, not even noticeable by other men, but there has always been something about her that makes me look twice.

    I was required to write news articles and coordinate with her. But I wasn’t into writing news. And besides, I haven’t written in a while, being busy with work and all. So I was having second thoughts of actually writing anything that she will edit and add to our newsletter. But by hearing her soft voice of assurance, which eventually and unexpectedly led in exchanging messages with her, it was as if God has thrown a pebble into the place. The waves of energy touched both me and this woman standing in front of me. She felt the vibrations of that pebble, and so did I. So what now?

    I could casually carry on with this, but I could also, like the bird in the gutter, have fun and take pleasure in that sudden ripple that set the water rocking.

    There is a name for that pebble: passion. It can be used to describe the beauty of an earth-shaking meeting between two people, but it isn’t just that. It is there in the excitement of the unexpected, in the desire to do something with real fervor, in the certainty that one is going to realize a dream. Passion sends us signals that guide us through our lives, and it’s up to me to interpret those signals.

    Days after that turned into weeks of constant communication, of sending signals, and countless secret rendezvous. The first meetings were short talks about us, attracting each one with each other’s intellect. This attraction inevitably turned physical. On one instance, a sudden fear of heights became the turning point of the conversation. She held my hand and I whispered an oath. That I will keep her safe. This assurance and the acceptance were sealed with a kiss.

    A few more secret meetings after that, then I finally gave in and enjoyed the moment. She brought me to a place I least expected her to take me. But with her stature and sense of respect, I trusted her. I opened up a past that I thought she would accept, as I accepted hers. We talked for hours about our relationships, ideas and dreams. And this earth-bound talk ended in another moment of ecstasy.

    But after that moment, she doubted me as thinking of somebody else in her replace. I persuaded her otherwise, but she still insisted. I convinced myself that she was not to play with my emotions, and continued clinging to the thought of having her beside me. She inspired me to do my job with extra effort; she made me look forward to each new day of going to work. She made me feel how drudgingly long each weekend was of not being in the same building as her.

    I almost had that thought that what happened to us was just a one-nighter, that we both enjoyed. Not just by the pleasure of it, but also the freedom of not having been committed. We were free to do what we wish apart from each other while still maintaining the desire and anticipation of having each other.

    I was learning to accept that tale deep in myself, until a week later when she wished to go to my house. This then shattered my perfect made up tale of lovers who didn’t fell inlove. She gave me a sense of eagerness that I didn’t know would build up to such extent and heights that it could profoundly go out of control. Her sensual gestures flew me back into her heaven.

    The cuddles, the giggles, the sweet words and acts, the thoughtfulness, the intimate moment, made me come to the notion that I didn’t want to ever lose this person. She is a haven for my wonderment; the speckle for my monotonous life. She is someone that I would like to become my savior and would like to save as well. That is what I can give to the woman who gave me back my soul; even though she has no idea how important she is to my life.

    I would like to believe that I am inlove. With someone I don’t know and who didn’t figure in my plans at all. All these years of self-control, of denying love, have had exactly the opposite result: I have let myself be swept away by the first person to treat me a little different. I allowed myself to fall inlove for one simple reason: I’m not expecting anything to come out of it. I know that the impossibility of a happy-ever-after is only found in books or movies. It always leaves an ending that hangs.

    And, it’s just as well, as the days passed by, she had less and less time for me. There were no greetings whenever she came to work unlike before. She played a game that made me long for her – her unexplainable silence. And when the time came that I had to coordinate with her professionally, she was as cold as the next stranger. I didn’t have the right to call her often, not even send messages on her phone. I don’t even know where she lives.

    What we have, or had, was discreet and short. She tried to make it seem that way. She was the femme fatale that people warned me about. She was the love paramour that I never really had. Indeed, they may talk, but nobody really knew what had happened between us, or what we have shared. And with all these, she made me realize that, in that way I can lose her without having to blame myself for another missed opportunity. In that way, we can go on with our lives as if nothing ever happened. But could I just easily pretend like she does? Maybe in time…

    It may or may not take long for me to recover from this. Who knows? But what I am sure is that it will take a lot more from an unspoken angel to make me fall again.

    And if that is what happens, if I have really already lost her, I have at least gained one very happy day in my life. Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle as the next pebble, as there will always be a pebble that will be thrown in the way. It’s just a matter of seeing, feeling and accepting the ripples.


★– End –★


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★ photo credit: taken by Geoffrey Hughes

0 Comments

i love to chat and read about your own twisted thoughts. c'mon dont be scared to share them! i won't bite. in fact, if you have a blog or site, i'll surely visit and comment back. ★