Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Collecting Stones

Sometimes you come across a song, and you hear your soul sing...

Cranes - Collecting Stones

Try but I don't know
I don't know where my heart should go
Which path I should follow

Out collecting stones
Still have a precious wish
But sometimes wishes are hollow

And I'm here to let you go
And I'm here to let you go

Broke my heart and my bones
Get caught in spirals and in cones
From here 'til tomorrow

Out collecting stones
Still have a precious wish
But sometimes wishes are hollow

And I'm here to let you go
And I'm here to let you go
And I'm here to let you go
And I'm here to let you go

Photo Credit: Matt Wachowski

Sunday, March 22, 2015

How do you start over?

As I am living the first few pages of a new chapter in my life, I thought of creating another blog. For anonymity.. again. But, a few questions lingered.. isn't this blog anonymous enough? So, one person in the 'walking world' knew about this blog, but does he even remember the url? I don't think so.

I've been writing poetry, thoughts, memories and even an open letter for A for a while now, and I guess it's time. It's time to move on.

A have been quiet lately. He did still respond to my vents, questions and musings, he even asked me to be part of this new band but I think he sensed my reservation. Then that was it. No word for weeks. And I guess, it was for the best. He's probably (hopefully) happy now with his new love. And I, well... I should be as well.

I remember him when he asked me if I was happy, and at that same week, a childhood love asked me an almost similar question. Now, it hits me... Am I truly happy? Is this the life that I want to live? Am I preparing for something that will actually lead to happiness or just something that will make me wallow in conformity? Am I settling for less?

Yesterday, as I was looking for a CD, I found the one that my childhood love (the one I mentioned above) have given. I have never written anything about him here in the blog, so I'm just naming him E.

When I opened the case, that's when I realized that E gave it to me. He wrote a short note, apologizing for being too persistent, adding it was nice to see me again. But however hard I try, I could not remember how he gave that to me and when, despite the date written on it. It was almost a decade ago, and my memory failed me. This time. Strange, how the memories we would have wanted to hold on to forever would easily fade in time, while the things that we want to forget tend to haunt us.

I placed the disk in the player and laid on my bed. To my surprise, after not hearing the songs for almost a decade, listening to them now brought me back to the days when E and I were still kids, laughing, running in the rain, walking hand in hand in the flooded night... then scenes of our brief encounters over the years since, zoomed past my thoughts like a lightning blurred with images and blank conversations.

I played the CD again, and listened to the lyrics. This song simply brought the most tears...

I then got up, and stared into emptiness for a while, talking to myself in my head, then thinking, if I should write my thoughts down. And where? So I searched for the video and if it isn't fate playing her mind games on me, this video includes a scene of a memorable movie that reminded me of the person who brought out the urge for me to create this blog in the first place... My heart sank.

Who am I really crying for? Is it for the all the hurt I inadvertently give to the ones I love? Or is it because I realize now my destructiveness, and that they do not deserve someone like me? I am now with someone, but I fear that I might one day hurt him too...

How would I move on with life? How would I start over, if I don't even know who do I love?

Photo Credit: Twan Hoven

Monday, December 29, 2014

What If...

What if I held on to you?
What if I didn't let you go?

What if...

...it was you all along?

~ written Dec.9,2014 at 2:00am

Photo credit: francesco giacalone

Thursday, July 31, 2014

An Open Letter for A

Dear (A)nonymous...

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on this blog. Let alone, write another poem. I guess it was you who sparked (Remember Ruby Sparks?) that inner-writer in me and not having you, burned down that side of me back in the confines of my subconscious.

I’m not even sure if you will even ever read this or go back to this link. So, I’m leaving this open and probably once in a while post my thoughts, desires and dreams that I will never share with anyone else (that I know in the real walking world) but you.

I never really had the chance to explain myself. You know how impulsive I can get. You understood my stubbornness and my cravings for attention. But I failed to understand you then. All I wanted then was the attention you used to give me and how you made me feel so important and special. I love it when you go out of your way just to be with me. How you would travel for hours just to share a few minutes of bliss with me or just hand me over your Christmas gift. I’m sorry that I didn’t see that when you handed me my birthday gift because I was already pre-occupied with how to make you choose... I wanted too much to be the center of your attention that everything blurred out of proportion. I got used to the idea of being in your pedestal, with you next to me, that any other way was not acceptable. And all the time I was longing for you, attention from someone else was given to me. I guess I thought I could make you so jealous that you would fight for me to come back. I thought that you would pursue me just like whenever I ask to end our bound-to-be-doomed relationship. But that time, I guess you finally got tired. We were already doomed. And I failed.

Then, for a while I thought I found the attention you once have given me in him, but I forgot that every new relationship always starts with a spark and the excitement of the getting-to-know experience may falter after a few months. Now I’m trapped and I can’t get out. I wish he had your intelligence, eloquence and inner-strength, your belief in women empowerment, your taste in music, and how we exchanged and spoke in poetry in words and actions, and those little things that made me crave and almost beg for you... But I guess all I can do is just make the most out of what I have now, and accept and appreciate what the fates have in store for us. Because I still believe, that everything happens for a reason.

I’m writing you now to air out what my conscience have been tormenting me to say. But my cowardice still taunts me and I guess writing here would at least lessen this overpowering feeling...

I’m deeply sorry for leaving and not understanding you during the time when you needed to be understood the most. I’m sorry for not being patient with you as you were (and still are) with me. I’m sorry for being too selfish, and for having the tendency to be obsessed with the kind of relationship that we had. I’m sorry for ending up pouring water over the fire of our emotions instead of patiently waiting for our flame to illuminate in the open. But despite of it all, you remained to be calm and rational. How do you do that, I don’t know, but very thankful you are like that. And thank you, thank you, for still being my friend and confidant. Thank you for being the silent shadow who constantly gives time to listen to my woes, complaints and rants, even in the middle of the night. Too bad though, that I can’t share dreams and desires with you anymore, those dreams and desires that we can both conquer together. But I am not bitter, nor resentful. I am happy for you now. Now, that you have found another girl that will fill up that space that I left behind and probably even more. She is so lucky. I sincerely hope that you two will truly be happy together.

I hope you don’t mind if I attach this song here. This song will forever leave a mark on me. The memories of our rollercoaster passion may fade in time, but one thing’s for sure... You will always be my greatest love. We simply just have to accept the fact that some things just can’t be. Thank you for the friendship, and those wonderful two years. I wouldn’t wish for anything else, other than for your true happiness.

With all my Love,
Your old Flame

photo credit: Abby Ross

Monday, June 10, 2013

Is this the end?

Where are you?
Aren't you tired of broken promises
and futile expectations?
How long should she wait for you?
There are other doors waiting to be unlocked,
but she kept herself inside,
for you to change.

How true are you?
Is this your way
of saying goodbye?
Or it is time for her
to step forward
and welcome
another world
that awaits

- for A. © 6.10.2013

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Forbidden Dance

dancing in the linen night
we gradually stop with the sound
a burst of laughter came coloring the room
in whispers they see us
twinkling in the dark
within these shadows i crawl
sneaking my way through
to flourish your heart
to squeeze out little screams
your buzzing chuckle
lingers in my blood
i gasp as i catch the air
from your slow melting lips
intoxicated by you
i dive and drank your soul...

we would cross time and space
we would break barriers
just to be in each others arms.

- for A. © 10.10.2012

photo credit: taken by artajanovic